The romance of friendship
Embracing the possibilities of community, kinship, and love
I.
A few weeks ago, I supported a loved one through a mental health crisis. It was stressful, scary, and emotionally and physically draining both for me and them. Three days felt like three weeks. Near the end of the week, completely worn out, I messaged a group of my friends asking if anyone had time to get drinks. Miraculously, everyone was available that night. Sitting around the table, sipping a rosé with a name I couldn’t pronounce, we each talked about recent stressors in our lives – our parents, partners, school, work. I walked in thinking that no one could possibly understand what I was going through. I walked out feeling seen and rejuvenated. I walked out realizing I wasn’t alone in my struggles and exhaustion, even if we were all dealing with different things, and perhaps working through them at different paces.
II.
“Us” my friend texts me. It’s a picture of two dogs, a honey colored lab on the left, a black lab on the right, lounging in front of a concrete wall with the words “Extreme Girls” graffitied in all caps.
III.
“Want to get coffee or drinks or something some time?” I type.
I’ve moved a lot in my decade as an adult – I’ve lived in Minnesota, D.C., Chicago, St. Louis, and now Minnesota again. This means that I have close friends across the U.S. and that I frequently must create community from scratch. A few years ago, I decided to become more intentional about cultivating and maintaining friendships. So here I am, sending someone an email with the subject line “Let’s be friends,” after being in a group discussion with them one time in class.
“Yes!! Absolutely! Music to my ears, Abaki!” they respond.
IV.
Racial capitalism and patriarchy thrive on the separation of communities and the de-centering of friendship and community care. As Audre Lorde observed, women in particular have been “encouraged to view each other with suspicion, as eternal competitors, or as the visible face of our own self-rejection.” 1
So many aspects of Western society revolve around monogamous (often heterosexual) romantic partnership. We have an entire holiday dedicated to romance. Our ability to take time off work – to care for someone, to mourn someone's death – is reserved for immediate family and romantic partners recognized by the state. It is expected that everyone attends our weddings – less so our graduations, celebrations of a new job, support for a new hobby, or other personal accomplishments and endeavors. Our forty hour work week is based on the assumption that the worker has a partner at home providing household and emotional labor. These patriarchal views of partnership that remain pervasive do not serve us, our families, or communities. Diminishing friendships as “less than” romantic love actively harms us and shrinks our lives. It is a deeply limited view of kinship, belonging, community, and love. We need our friends. We need each other.
Friendship has been my center of gravity. Many of my close friendships have been just as emotionally intimate as my romantic relationships. What would it mean to celebrate all forms of love and intimacy? To recognize the power and strength of platonic love? Or perhaps more fittingly, the romance of friendship?
V.
Intentionally cultivating and maintaining friendships is one way to create the world and communities I want to live in. Perhaps the best way to talk about friendship is with the words of my friends. Here’s a collection of little love notes – cards, letters, texts – from people who I've organized with, learned alongside, cried with, laughed with, made art with. Their words exemplify the deep importance of friendship for me. I hope they help you reflect on how your friends have sustained you – and I hope you send a love note to a friend.
Friendship is essential for emotional health. Friendship has shaped me as a person and helped me grow in immeasurable ways.
I’m glad we’re friends. If you ever need to celebrate or vent or anything else, then I’m here. Enjoy life. You deserve all the good things in your life and so much more.
I’m so happy to know that I’ll get to see this beautiful face grow old. I had no clue when we first met how much brilliance and light you’d bring into my life. Seeing you thrive and grow brings me so much. Thanks for being alive at the same time as I am.
Friendship is essential for communal learning. My friends have been some of my greatest teachers.
You have honestly been an inspiration since I first met you – the passion and dedication you have for the work you do and the people you work with is undescribably special.
I have learned so much from you, and it has made me not only a better human but also a better relative to all our relations and kin, to all living things.
This reminds me of you and how much you’ve taught me about the power and durability of platonic love and friendship. Thank you for being a truly insightful, kind, and empathetic friend.
Friendship is essential for organizing. I fight alongside my friends to create a world in which we are all safe, healthy, and free.
I honor and admire your resolve, your steadfastness, and your unflinching integrity. If we have an apocalyptic zombie nuclear fallout, I would 100% vote you my leader.
When I think of my friends, you are always one of the ones to make me the most proud with your pursuit to dismantle white supremacy.
Thank you for being the fearless leader you are. It has been such a joy and privilege to work under and alongside you. You are a real rock star and true gem of a person. And I am glad to be a witness to your life story!
Friendship is essential to be and feel seen.
To be allowed in by someone like you is truly an honor. I know you choose your friends wisely and selectively. You don’t trust any old hoe! I’m glad you trust this one.
My prayer (in the agnostic sense) for you is not that you will be successful. Everyone who has had the privilege to know you knows that would be like praying for the sun to rise. It’s gonna fucking happen whether we pray for it or not. No, my prayer for you is that you find satisfaction and peace within yourself, and realize on a gut level how amazing and loved you are.
VI.
My assignment for you:
Write your friends cards, texts, and letters professing your love and admiration and support and gratitude. Call them. Send them cute stickers that made you think of them. Cook them food. Reach out to see how they are doing, especially if you haven’t talked in a while. Reach out to tell them how you’re doing, and don’t feel like you’re a burden. Take photos of things you think they’ll like (a dog you see, blooming lilacs, a funny license plate). Make zines and collages and paintings with them. Put pictures of them up on your wall. Tell your friends you love them over and over and over again, in whatever way makes most sense for you. In the words of my dear friend: friendship is everything because love is everything. Friendship is essential for our survival.
From “Scratching the Surface: Some Notes on Barriers to Women and Loving.” Sister Outsider, edited by Nancy K. Bereano, Crossing Press, 2007, pp. 45-52.
Love this
(especially that one quote by someone who must be a brilliant and amazing friend.....)